I’ll admit, I was pretty cool on David when we first sailed to Deal or No Deal Island. Sure, he won Australian Survivor, but I’ve never seen Australian Survivor, and besides, in this season’s early episodes, he seemed a little big for his daks. This guy who could never suppress an eye roll was supposed to be the “Golden God” of Survivor? For weeks, I didn’t see it. But after the history-making performance we just witnessed, I think we can all agree he’s gone platinum.
Obviously, as the long-standing captain of Team Lete, I was crestfallen to see that the island’s most honorable warrior couldn’t eke out a win from last week’s bridge challenge. Honestly, I’d be very curious to know if her best bud, Phillip, offered David his highest case thinking he would never trust it. (Speaking of which, can we get a reunion for this season, please? I’d swim to the island myself just to see Seychelle, this season’s queen of one-liners, roast everybody one last time.) Regardless of how or why Lete lost, she was a hell of a player, and I hope she gets another chance to win millions of dollars on TV soon. But even if I hadn’t already come around on David, this finale would have sold me.
After our final excursion, the case value for this season climbed to $12,232,001 — the biggest prize in network-television history, as our host and carrier of the golden dealmaking phone, Joe Manganiello, dutifully told us. That would be enough money for David to buy his own Deal or No Deal Island, but he seemed content to settle for generational wealth. Yet David couldn’t just take the case, wander onto a yacht, and sail off into the sunset Down Under. First, he had to face the First Female Banker™ — none other than former case model Chrissy Teigen, who showed up ready to play the island supervillain, down to the cheeky smirk.
It would be very boring to watch David pick cases all by himself, so of course, all this season’s contestants reunited to watch him play for the final case. (Well, everyone minus Sydnee Peck, who might have caught wind of the faces David was making behind her back while she was flirting with him.) David’s island wife, fellow Survivor deity Parvati, was there, as were Dickson and M.G., his island son and daughter. Frankly, I could’ve used a little more banter with the crowd and questions on how everyone felt about David’s gameplay, but I get it; we’re just here to open briefcases in the end — so let’s get to it.
This time around, David had to narrow down 26 cases, and just like the last time he battled the banker, he chose No. 18 as his own. With the second-highest case valued at $3 million, the pressure was on to keep that $12,232,001 grand prize on the board — no easy feat, considering David had to open six cases in the first round, five in the second, four in the third, etc.
Round one could not have gone better: David wiped $10, $1, $200,000, $300, $100,000, and $.01 off the board. Chrissy made a predictably miserly offer of $230,000, and obviously David did not take it. Round two started out a little rougher, but ultimately David came out golden, knocking $3 million, $200, $50,000, $300,000, and $1 million off the board. Once again, the offer was an absurd lowball, and this time, Chrissy offered it with a dig, claiming she preferred season one’s Boston Rob. The insult added to that injury? $499,000. True to form, Big Brother alum and DONDI villain Dr. Will Kirby told “Australian Dave” not to be a “bitch, mate,” and while I have some qualms about his choice of words, the sentiment rang true. With several million still on the board, this was an obvious NOOOOPE!
It was around this moment, dear DONDI watchers and recap readers, when one could reasonably wonder if someone had tipped off David on the case values. I sure did. Round three was just as stunning as David opened $500, $400, $50, and $500,000, but still the offer stayed underwhelming — $994,000. David did not run for miles in the sand, zip-line over a cliff, and swim through a puddle of mud to walk away with less than seven figures, so once again, he shut the glass case over the big red button and said “no.” It was around now when some of his fellow players began to admit they would have tapped out and taken the deal, but David was on the kind of roll that can make a man feel invincible. He hadn’t come this far just to back down now.
Then came the vibe shift in round four. With the left side of the board nearly decimated, David’s case picking started to get dicier. One of multiple $1 million cases fell off the right side of the board, followed by $2 million, but David salvaged things in the end with a $1,000 case. The offer shot up to $1,523,000. Several players, including Lete, Dickson, and Seychelle, begged David to take it, but you could just tell he wouldn’t. David may not think of himself as a gambler, but this felt like a Vegas-style hot streak — thrilling and terrifying all at once. It also didn’t hurt that David won $500,000 on Australian Survivor before. If he somehow tanked this, it wouldn’t be like he had no money. (Although how long does $500,000 last when you have four kids? This is math that I, a single person whose only dependents are two small dogs, could not begin to attempt.)
I’m not sure what, exactly, I expected, but round five began to make me feel gaslit. I thought for sure that when David chose two $1 million cases back-to-back — relatively low numbers at this stage in the game — his offer would surpass $2 million, but instead, Chrissy capped it at $1.98 million. To be clear, I’d have taken that just like the $1.5 million (and probably the $994,000), but she should have realized by now that David’s not like us mere mortals. He’s — say it with me — the Golden God! He’s not going to walk away without a legendary sum.
Round six? Same deal (heh): David pulls off the legendary feat of eliminating $100 and $1 million, and the offer comes in a few hundred thousand shy of what one might expect: $2.9 million. I do feel absurd pretending that’s not a life-changing amount of money, but with $12 freaking million still on the board, David was not feeling conservative. At this point, his castmates were looking at him like he’d grown a second head. Even Parvati, who wore a silver dress to match her nerves of steel, seemed utterly stunned. They all held hands as he chose his next case, which was once again miraculously low — $750. (I know. I’m telling you, this man needs to be studied.)
Chrissy dropped to her knees when she made her next offer. She held David’s hands. She begged him to take it. This, she told him, would be the highest offer in all of Deal or No Deal history: $3,870,018. Good God. How did they come up with that number? I have no clue. Why the $18? Maybe she figured it might make David, the world’s biggest No. 18 fan, more inclined to take it. This time, you could tell he was really thinking about it. How could he not? But once again, he flouted all conservative logic and threw his fate into the hands of the DONDI gods. No deal. Just incredible. Shocking. Stupid. I shrieked. I screamed. I clutched a pillow to my chest as one of my aforementioned dogs scurried into another room to escape my madness. This was no longer about winning or losing. This was about making history — and utterly fantastic television.
And because this episode was obviously not hilarious enough, David’s final case — chosen solely on vibes — was worth a mere $25. In Deal or No Deal terms, this was a no-net basket. This was a buzzer-beating goal at the World Cup. This was … I don’t know sports, but insert another metaphor here. Everyone was cheering. There were chants of “DAVID! DAVID!” And Chrissy was still on the floor when she made her next offer, $5.8 million.
This was the big moment. Once again, David had to meditate on his options, but the stakes had never been higher. He suspected the grand prize was in his own case, yet we did have Luke Olejniczak, season two’s most disastrous player, in the audience to remind him how much hubris can cost. What’s a reality-TV god to do? After much thought (and presumably many cash-register noises going off in his brain), David decided to take the deal — thereby winning the most anyone has ever won in network-TV history. (At least according to Joe Manganiello.)
It’s a damn good thing David took it because his case would have netted him a measly, humiliating $75. Given this knowledge, Chrissy had to wonder, “Am I fired? I’m literally the worst banker of all time.” But what did we all learn from this gorgeous, grueling island getaway? I’ve got three ideas. First, never accept less than you’re worth. Second, always lean into genuine connections with others because David’s social game was a big part of what got him on that stage in the first place. And finally, never bet against family.
